Ok... Thank you!

Guess what... I just had the best weekend of my life. And I am seriously short of words when I want to describe it (Just for the records you know). The dazzling environment, alcohol to go with, the right music and the perfect one... Standing there, aloof from the outside world. No worries, no what ifs, just the moment... I waited for all this for so long. It was ecstatic, awesome, perfect!!! And mind you, no regrets this time!

I think this is the best phase of my life. I am loving it so much. When I get that stare, just the stare without blinking, I feel that I belong to someone. I am just a better and happier person when I am around him. I feel I am not gonna loved by anyone like that. And I am not gonna love anyone else like that. Everything looks just right. And I am enjoying every bit of it.

I kinda didn't want it to end. Stayed up all night. But all the good things come to an end... and you go ahead to explore them again.

The title of the blog... I am not even gonna bother writing about it, I will die laughing!!!

Solitude

Days after days, months after months have passed by, and I am still here, waiting.... Doing absolutely everything in my abilities to get things alright. But certain things are beyond me. I am just not able to cheer myself up. Whenever I get indulged in any other things work, books, its all fine. Because I don't have place in my head to think about anything else. But, when I am sitting alone staring at the laptop or thinking about myself, its just so awful. I feel terrible, miserable. All I see is darkness. I am tired of running around looking out for hope.

I feel so lonely... wish if there could be someone to share my emptiness with. I have started to lose faith now. Have done more than my share of waiting, much more than what I was promised. When you have had someone to look at, someone to depend on and then you see that person going away and not coming back, there is a natural question you ask. Why...

The situation has just gone beyond what one can help. I have always had things going my way all my life. This is the first time I am really craving for something badly and don't have any control on it. Just want things to get alright, as they were before. Can' t take this any more. I really try hard not to cry, but sometimes, just can't help it. I sleep and wake up with damp eyes, yes... the old days are back indeed. I wish I was given little more time, little more attention, little more importance.

Something inside me is waiting for getting exploded. I don't know how much I can take of this. I need a miracle, a stoke of luck, some charm which will make everything as good as new. I wish I could turn the time, or at least make it go faster. But how much faster I want it to go, even I don't know. I am just afraid of running out of time.

Expecting a hiatus

Well... I have finally got hold of HP6 from a friend and my copies are on its way. Plus my someone special is gonna arrive pretty soon. Hopefully before I finish off eating up HP. So there is an expected decrease in the blogging activity now on. I am happy and sad both. A tad bit happier than sad though. But then, I am not having too high hopes too. Otherwise the dreams will come crashing down and I wont be able to get hold of myself.

After taking this break, I guess I will rediscover myself and there is a chance that there will be a changed me in here.

Complaints and Grievances

I feel so frustrated and irritated these days man... especially after coming back at home. Office is one place where I get peace of my mind, only because there is so much of work that there is hardly any time to think about yourself, emotions etc. These days I dread the weekends, they almost kill me. Its more like, shit... one more is here. What to do with this one now.

I am just mad at myself for some reason that I am not aware of. There are so many things in my head, that I can't point at one you know. It tends to make me sick. I was never so lost... ever. And yes, nobody should get this from me as I don't want to be cribbing bitch again. So as I cut-pasted this from my gmail compose textbox to blogspot compose textbox, I realize that I have nothing to write in the mail, which anyways has been a frequent case these days. Blogger is certainly not responsible for that. Or is it? As long as I get to pen down my feelings without being bothered about how someone will feel after knowing them, I don't see why should anyone have problems with it.

Coming back to the ranting, I cant remember one day when I was simply feeling happy or had a really good laugh. Happy times seem like a thing in the past. Everything is dark, grim, gloomy... as if the dementors are approaching, to suck my soul out. I am waiting for a day when the clouds will fade away. There will be a little drizzle, shining sun and a rainbow on the opposite side, looking at me and smiling, and I will smile back, feeling happy.

DB2 Explain

Recently I got to work on yet another interesting thing I always wanted to try my hands on. DB2 performance tuning. Haven't really worked on ANY database performance related tools. Started off with Visual Explain which is available from 8.x. It basically uses a bunch of tables wherein it will dump the performance related data which can be viewed graphically or through command line. (I don't have any idea how command line tool works)

Looking at the graphical display, you will come to know how is your query doing, where is it making use of indexes or just doing blind table scan, where it is doing nested loop join/hybrid join, the no of CPU cycles, I/O utilization etc. Depending upon the plan, you can tweak your query to make maximum use of indexes, MQTs, or maybe create temporary tables to reduce the onus on joins.

I was using control center instead of DBArtisan as query plan was not enabled on that. And control center is painfully slow (I am not sure if it is always slow or it is "Morganised". May be designing UI in java was a really bad idea) . Plus, DB2 9.x is fussy about the machines too. You need a 64 bit linux box to run that shit. I am not saying DB2 is all crap. But I can't find a decent tool to access it man. DBArtisan is really great once the connection is made. But it can die almost instantly while opening/doing select * from the toolbar (Again not sure if Morganisation has made it that way)

Sometimes I just wonder, now that database is one universal thing which is integral part of any moderate size application, why can't there be a decent access tool available. I have heard microsoft SQL server is really good. But who uses it. And its microsoft, come on, how good it will be. There will of course shortcomings. The name says it all!!

Waise.. I managed to bring down the timerons of a killer query from 51000 to 70. How cool is that for performance tuning!