Things I hate about you... my version

I hate the way you talk to me,
and the way you don't seem to care,
I hate the way you drive my thoughts,
I hate it when you stare.

I hate when you let go of things
And the way you hold on
I hate how you talk for hours
And the way you dream on

I hate your rusty old t-shirts
And all the tools that you are proud of
I hate you favoring others over me
I hate the showing off.

I hate your guts when you challenge me
and the way you read my mind.
I hate the distance between us
And the fact that you are not mine.

I hate the way you are always right,
I hate it when you lie.
I hate it when you make me laugh,
even worse when you make me cry.

I hate it when you are not around,
and the fact that you never call.
But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you,
not even close
not even a little bit
not even at all.

All my bags are packed...

Just done with marathon session of packing. It is still 4 days to go before I leave this apartment but now it feels as if I will be checking out tomorrow. Can't believe the time flew by so fast and I am almost done with my work here.

Well... The stay here in New York was absolutely fantastic. Filled with a lot of eventful things. I ended up visiting almost everything worth visiting here. Be it the local site seeing here, the museums, Niagara or even Atlantic City. I sincerely thank Kripsa and the bunch of guys who made all this possible. Otherwise I would have never got an opportunity to see it all in one trip. Every single trip of these is filled up with amazing memories which will always bring smile to my face.

This weekend is destination Florida. I am excited and looking forward to it and stuff. But somehow, not so much. I feel tired of so much roaming around. It has been a while since I last slept till the time I wanted to. I guess a long nights sleep will do me some good, but I don't see it coming in near future.

For the first time in 4 weeks I am feeling lonely. May be because Kripsa left today and I am really homesick. This homesick thing is again really very funny. I know for sure that I want to go back home, but go back to what... empty rooms, or the feeling of not having loved ones around. I am really going to miss Niki when I reach there. I hope the time goes in fast forward and I get to see him soon... very soon.

I am indeed blogging after many many days. And thanks to that, I have missed out on writing about many things which were important at some point of time but seem insignificant now. I sat here with the thought of writing a synopsis of my whole trip here but looks like hunger is taking over. Chipotle's burrito bowl is inviting me. Got to go...

Interim begins

Niki left for Madrid today. I managed to spend really nice time with him in spite of being so worked up. Guha and Aditi had also come to drop him at the aeropuerto. I pray to god he finishes what is there to be finished and the luck factor, if there is any, favors him. I have always been a little worried about his luck. Somehow things have a habit of going right with me and almost always mess up for him. I really hope this changes soon. I also hope his license conversion happens fast. I will be really happy to see him working. And it will make him really happy too.

Nikhil going away always sort of leaves a hollow kind of feeling. I know it is just 2 months and it is very likely that I won't be here for a month in that period. But still, I really hate to say bye to him. I should get used to this feeling though.

Miss you da...

Bleak

I look around at the group I hang around with, the so called "cool" guys. I don't feel I really belong there. Then I look at my family. I like them, but I get the feeling that I don't belong there either. I am trying to change the things that I shouldn't be changing. I very much know I have mended my ways of doing things, my way of thinking without any regrets. What has happened to me. Why am I so mixed up. I am having too strong views and not giving him a chance. According to me its wrong. I know I have been hypocrite in the past. I was wrong in doing something which I hate so much. But I was trying to be cool, trying to fit in you know. Now it feels why should I try to fit in when I can stand out. But again, in the process of being different, I will be standing out for the rest of my life, alone.

Nothing that I am thinking right now is helping me. I feel like a loser who is running behind something that doesn't belong to me in the process losing or having already lost what I had. I am the biggest loser on this planet by all means. I wish I had at least one person I could talk to about this. Again, the standing out has taken its toll. I feel miserable about not having anyone to share my thoughts with. Its just too sad that I can't have a single person to talk to. I am going nowhere. I am going to end up like this for rest of my life and then die without having made myself heard.

Misery all over

I started the day on positive note. I was excited that I was going to watch Jodha Akbar (even if it was with my mom!!). The movie was extremely long, 3 hours and 45 minutes to be precise and it was cruciatingly slow and boring. God only knows how it got 4 stars.

After that, I don't know why, all of a sudden I started feeling like shit.

Frankly, there is no reason whatsoever to be cheerful about. There are things going wrong in my personal life which I can do nothing about. I really start looking forward to something as a positive change. Then I start speculating about things falling back into its place. But again, everything goes wrong one after the other as it used to and its the darkness all over again. You have to begin from ground zero.

I see the misery, I feel really sad about it, but I am helpless! I should have had the supernatural powers. Its really hard to keep yourself motivated all the time. I feel that no one at home is even tying to understand me. I have been working for average 12 hours over last week. I have almost forgotten what it feels like reading a book. And whenever I ask myself what am I going to do about this, I have no answer!

G just told me about an Arsenal player Eduardo breaking his leg. I saw the images. It looks pretty bad. I am even more depressed now. I doubt if any soul on the planet is happy today.

Global Slowdown

There have been lot of sacking done citing the aforementioned reason. Yes... we are amongst those too. There has been firing globally... consultants, service industry everyone has fallen prey to this. You know you are good, but you also know that if time comes, you wont be spared. There is this sword hanging on top of your head which can slit your throat any time.

You see people around you who are really good performance wise and personality wise losing their jobs. Its the times like these when you lose confidence, start doubting yourself and the attitude "Oh... I am special, nothing bad is going to happen to me" doesn't work anymore.

After this was written, Nikhil called me and I went to Morokko (which is a sheesha place near my house btw, don't mistake it for a country). The thought process has been broken and I have no views on this anymore. Feeling just plane numb.

The long walk

I had a good long walk today... Well, not actually too long, was just from office to home, little more than 2 kms. But I was too preoccupied with so many thoughts that I didn't realize I was halfway down on my way and I wouldn't find a rickshaw guy who will be willing to take me home. Walking with heels on for such a long distance... someone is really going to be unhappy.

Anyways, was just thinking.... How for someone, some other people or other things can be more important than themselves. For a self centered person like me, its really difficult to understand. How can you rate your priorities depending on someone else's pleasure, be happy when you help someone... Its just beats me. And you know what is worst, somewhere inside you, you kind of know that you have such a someone else, but for that person, someone else is not you.

I guess this is karma. I have my parents, for whom I am the center of their life. Their life revolves around me and mine around them. I am wasting a lot of time and energy in trying to sever this bond at least a little so that I can get that freedom that I am looking for. But I am not sure if it is really worth the effort. Because at the end of the day, I know that nobody is going to give me my share of attention apart from them. Its a fact that is a little hard to digest, but its a fact.

Feeling a little tired, a little broken down. I guess I shouldn't have been so lost, at least while walking. My legs are telling me that. The knees are broken, heels are gone and calves are asking too be cut off.

Down And Out... The other way...

There are times when you loath about the fact that you don't have any independence of your own. Living with parents is the hardest thing that I think I am doing right now. I am not a teenager who have their own set of problems as far as adults are concerned. This is something beyond some gibberish contempt of adolescence. I am too tired of acting as if I belong here, as if things are going great and I am the luckiest soul on this planet.

I was expecting a little more understanding. I wish I could just explain what it feels like, the things that I always wanted to share, the things that I hoped they would understand. I was so wrong. Sometimes I feel they are completely oblivious to the fact that I am a grown up person and have my own thinking and my set of values. This indifference and negligence tends to do more damage than outright dislike. When I am at home, I feel completely empty, as if no one is there for me. And nothing sucks more than the feeling that you are alone, no matter how many people are around you.

Somebody might say I am such a sick person, never happy about anything happening around me. But I don't care. I am feeling a little down. Can't be a happy happy self. May be because it was a hard weekend. Once the week starts, I will bury myself in the work and will forget all about this crap.

Damn...

I feel weird... really weird.
Kripsa had come down from US after one and a half long year. I met her a couple of times, spent a night with her. The month has gone by, and its time for her to leave. Can't believe the month has got over so fast. I am really going to feel sad that this will be last time I see her before she goes back. Don't know when I will be seeing her next. Feeling kind of empty. Hardly spent any time with her. Usually, when I am all busy with my work n stuff, I don't care. But now, when I am thinking about it, it feels sad.

I guess this is that passing by phase. When you feel that there is something amiss, there are several ways to deal with it. You can discuss it with people around you, keep thinking about it till it fucks with your brain or just ignore it thinking that nothing ever was wrong. I think latter is the best.

P.S. Is this the after effect of "Oh... this day had to be special. It wasn't!"

Gone... With The Smoke

Well... Yet another diwali has come and gone, without much glitter. I remember, when I was small, diwali was all about lights, crackers, gifts, sweets, new clothes. We used to get up in the morning, burst crackers, greet friends & family, jump n dance around. Basically have fun. Everything used to be so exciting. Its not the same anymore. Somehow the freshness is gone. People are not bothered. Frankly, I am not bothered. Its something I used to do when I was 5, why should I continue the same till I am 50. I guess my "Geminian " instincts are talking here. But I just don't feel like doing the same thing year after year.

Why should things have to be done in a conventional well defined manner. We got to bring about a change. If we continue to do the same thing that our ancestors have been doing for ages, where is the new generation, new thinking, new way of life? Well... I am not saying everything needs to be revamped, I still feel my kids should celebrate diwali the way I did when I was a kid. Its fun that way. I have never regretted the way I have been brought up. But now, theres got to something different. Different in what way, I don't know. I am still trying to figure out.

I don't even know what I am thinking or what I am trying to get at. I guess festivals are not about lightings and glitter, its about memories, a way of holding on to things that you love, things that you are and things that you wish you will never lose. The world is moving too fast and everyone is losing out in the rat race of weekly milestones, monthly EMIs and annual dividends. So the best we can do is be happy about whatever little we have and wish that everyone gets their share of happiness.

A Constitution Called Marriage

As a part of "society" there are some funny rituals we have to follow. It always amazed me how can two people who have never seen or heard of each other, decide to spend their whole life together, in course of a couple of meetings between their folks and whatever 10 mins they are allowed to spend alone together. I always used to think that there are certain things that will never ever happen to me. Slowly but surely I see them happening though.

I got a couple of "proposals" few days back. Really strange to see guys lined up like that on paper. DOB-XXX, Cast-XXX, Height-XXX, Education-XXX. How can anyone put themselves like this and expect another individual like them based on that. Having said that, I know that I am pretty much available as a bunch of specifications on some paper. And if I manage to impress someone with that, they will ask for my photo. Eventually, there will be remarks like hair too short, I don't like her smile, nah... too thin, too dark. So basically, I, a human being capable of having emotions, will be treated as a commodity in market. And there will be yet another victim of a constitution called marriage.

Aamby Fuckall Valley

I got a chance to visit Aamby Valley, Lonavala, courtesy, my firm. I was considering myself lucky as I was one of the few people who got to visit the otherwise inaccessible place to common people. The place is really beautiful, very well maintained, good weather, but sadly, hyped up than what it should have looked as.

We had kind of negative reviews about Aamby Valley from some of the people who had visited it before. In spite of that we decided to go ahead with it just because of the aura around the name. We were 200 odd people, managing whom should have been a piece of cake for such big organization. But as it turned out to be, the hospitality was completely garbage. You expect such a big name to know at least A B C of organizing corporate events. But they fell short on all aspects. Food, booze, service and even in dealing with the contract that we had.

All in all, the thing which I was looking forward to, turned out to be utter disappointment. Hoping the Grand Maratha Sheraton to be a hit at least.

Lost

Today, I happened to come across a blog of a friend from college. Well... I can't really call her my friend. We barely knew each other, hardly ever talked. Just another person I knew from college. She was a very good person, a voracious reader, really nice person to talk to, and her sketches used to be just too good. But for some reason, in spite of being "cool" n stuff, she never became a part of the gang. May be because she was unusually quiet, but she was not. She was pretty much talkative when somebody actually went and talked to her. And, after reading her blog, I realize that she has quite good friends there. But then how come she never really hung around with us?

Sometimes, when I look back, I feel that I could have missed out so many things in life that I should have done. Many people whom I never bothered to talk to, when we could have hit off well. So many people who were good friends at one point of time, but we just lost touch for particularly no reason or just because I was too lazy to keep in touch. I read this somewhere the other day:
"There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about the people from your past. There's a reason why they didn't make it to your future."
How rude!

This nostalgia bit makes me think... shit, I am yet to do so many things. I am way off target of the things that I should have achieved by the time I am 22. And with this 'my life being short' crap, I am not really feeling too good about myself. I got to do something about it.

Solitude

Days after days, months after months have passed by, and I am still here, waiting.... Doing absolutely everything in my abilities to get things alright. But certain things are beyond me. I am just not able to cheer myself up. Whenever I get indulged in any other things work, books, its all fine. Because I don't have place in my head to think about anything else. But, when I am sitting alone staring at the laptop or thinking about myself, its just so awful. I feel terrible, miserable. All I see is darkness. I am tired of running around looking out for hope.

I feel so lonely... wish if there could be someone to share my emptiness with. I have started to lose faith now. Have done more than my share of waiting, much more than what I was promised. When you have had someone to look at, someone to depend on and then you see that person going away and not coming back, there is a natural question you ask. Why...

The situation has just gone beyond what one can help. I have always had things going my way all my life. This is the first time I am really craving for something badly and don't have any control on it. Just want things to get alright, as they were before. Can' t take this any more. I really try hard not to cry, but sometimes, just can't help it. I sleep and wake up with damp eyes, yes... the old days are back indeed. I wish I was given little more time, little more attention, little more importance.

Something inside me is waiting for getting exploded. I don't know how much I can take of this. I need a miracle, a stoke of luck, some charm which will make everything as good as new. I wish I could turn the time, or at least make it go faster. But how much faster I want it to go, even I don't know. I am just afraid of running out of time.

Complaints and Grievances

I feel so frustrated and irritated these days man... especially after coming back at home. Office is one place where I get peace of my mind, only because there is so much of work that there is hardly any time to think about yourself, emotions etc. These days I dread the weekends, they almost kill me. Its more like, shit... one more is here. What to do with this one now.

I am just mad at myself for some reason that I am not aware of. There are so many things in my head, that I can't point at one you know. It tends to make me sick. I was never so lost... ever. And yes, nobody should get this from me as I don't want to be cribbing bitch again. So as I cut-pasted this from my gmail compose textbox to blogspot compose textbox, I realize that I have nothing to write in the mail, which anyways has been a frequent case these days. Blogger is certainly not responsible for that. Or is it? As long as I get to pen down my feelings without being bothered about how someone will feel after knowing them, I don't see why should anyone have problems with it.

Coming back to the ranting, I cant remember one day when I was simply feeling happy or had a really good laugh. Happy times seem like a thing in the past. Everything is dark, grim, gloomy... as if the dementors are approaching, to suck my soul out. I am waiting for a day when the clouds will fade away. There will be a little drizzle, shining sun and a rainbow on the opposite side, looking at me and smiling, and I will smile back, feeling happy.

Everything is in a mess. Why the bloody things are going wrong. I feel so helpless. I want to do something, but I feel my both hands are tied and somebody is trying to strangle me. I am trying to move, but just can't. I am suffocating. Feel like someone is stabbing in my heart and I am struggling to breath. Everything in my stomach is going for a spin and I feel like throwing up. Feel like grabbing whatever I can and throwing it away. I want to go to the beach, face the ocean and scream at top of my lungs. May be someone will be able to hear me.

It is upto me to write the rest of my story. They have been writing it for me. Now it has to be my turn. This is my fucking life. Why should anyone else have a say in it. Even if I want to screw it, its my personal choice. Is it really too difficult to understand??

I feel I am getting sick. I am just afraid of the day when I will succumb to the pressure and lose everything I ever had. This all just sucks. I need a change. I want to run away, from everything, from myself. I want to be alone. Lost and confused, I don't know who I am anymore.

Fuck this world. Fuck everything.

Nostalgia

Went to college today... after almost one year... but frankly wasn't really nostalgic. Its not about the building and the classroom, its about the people in it. I feel nostalgic when we are together, for dinners or on a picnic.

Its really weird on the other side of the table, though was feeling amazing in front of bunch of students looking up to you. Sad to see people dejected after not being shortlisted. But thats how it goes. I think there is a tad bit of luck too.

Really sad to see the plight of the college. Nobody to the labs. It seems after Dude's departure, and our batch passing out, there is no one to maintain the labs. Basically, it is really hard to find good networking guys. And if they are good, they won't really want to work in some college for sure.

I think making it a casino was a very good idea... lol

Who wants to live with one foot in hell just for the sake of nostalgia? Our time is forever now!
- Alice Childress

Worked up and worked out!

There is so much of work these days, its not even funny. No time to breath also. Not regretting or anything. I guess its for good only.

Waste of resources

Well... I know its a no. 1 financial firm known for its IT on Wall Street. But frankly, do they need that kind of expertise? Grilling someone in 10 rounds of technical interview is not funny. Anyways, they take a person who have worked on log4j and make him work on XYLog. If all they need is a person to work on AXB, why cant they take a bloody commerce graduate and teach them that shit. Where are the core java strength applied in that???

Most importantly, what will be your value once you get out of the firm? Nobody knows/uses their proprietary products. So, at the end of whatever years at the firm, you will be still a rookie at core technology. And after knowing/experiencing this, you can't really blame the people for the high attrition level.

Thanks god at least I get to work on core java. As long as that happens, I am happy.

Why

Who was right and who was wrong? Why does it have to be right or wrong? Why can't it just be an individual's opinion? Why judge it?

I am supposed to be a grown up adult and should manage to sort these things out all by myself. Sometimes I get so mad, I feel everything should get blasted off my mind into the outer space. But I am supposed to convey my thoughts clearly and quietly. After all, the best form of communication is not yelling at top of your lungs. In a few moments I can say anything I want to, in the process hurting the people who matter the most and later regretting about what I said and why I said it.

There are a lot of things about your life that might seem simpler to a third person. For them, it might not be a thing to ponder over for more than a couple of minutes. But it happens with everybody. Lets try not to make a big deal out of it.

Well, people get their hearts broken. They suffer alone, over the choices they have made, knowingly or unknowingly, willingly or unwillingly. Some are just unfortunate incidents. But at some point in the night the ideas of right and wrong, the disagreements, sort of dissolve and you are left with people whom you care for the most.