Existence

Kris: Hey, you have stopped twitting altogether.
Me: Yea... just got bored. I think its a stupid thing to do anyways.
Kris: Come on ya... You should at least blog. Google has no record of your existence!
Me: Umm... I will think about it...

May be its time to make it public. Or may be not. I have no reason to make my miseries public.

Failure

Am I so incapable of putting my views forth? Am I really that forceful? Not understanding? Even the genuine concern is twisted and turned and taken as an ego issue. I can't even try to understand one person I claim that I love the most. That feeling of being a horrible person has come to haunt me again.

Sometimes I really feel I shouldn't have taken it this way. He is right. I am totally incapable of taking things slowly. Why was I so aggressive in the past? May be that has ruined everything. Have rendered so many sad moments for me, for both of us. All my fault.

Why did I screw up everything? Is there any way to fix it? My mind is so numb I can't think of anything. Its that feeling of being incapable, regretting everything that has been done in the past. I feel so helpless, feel that I am responsible for it, the whole of it. This thing is just killing me. The worst part, I can't even let myself go. Somebody please hurt me, so that I can cry openly. Its like somebody is strangling me and I am grasping for breath. Just do it, take it away, finish it. I don't want to take it anymore. I can't.

Nighmares

I don't know why it happens, but it does. I came back from office very happy. A) Because I will be on a week's vacation which I will be devoting to shifting and studying. B) Had a relaxing hair spa. I was really looking forward to a good night's sleep. But don't know why, couple of incidents crossed my mind.

One, TT catching me at the railway platform without ticket. Two, a random guy getting beaten up by the mob on Java TV. (Looked like some news, I did not understand the language obviously). After this, my heart started beating very fast and blood started rushing into my brain. I so badly wanted to sleep, but couldn't get these 2 things out of my head. In fact, I was rewinding them and going through them again and again. Was not able to shut my mind at all!!

After this, I knew I am certainly going to get bad dreams and its not going to be a peaceful sleep. So did it happen! I seriously need to learn to stop thinking and blanking out my mind when I want. There should have been a switch for doing this man... It would have been so handy! That would have solved more than half of the problems in my life you know.

http://www.trafficpolicemumbai.org

Read in the newspaper today that you can complain against the autos who deny to take you to ur destination. Their license will be revoked immediately blah blah blah…
Kind of a boon for someone like me. Interestingly, I stumbled across the traffic rules, and found them really funny. Here are some:

- Use the indicator or hand signals when changing lanes.
I didn’t know that hand signals were legal!!!
- Always ride with both hands on the handlebar except when signaling
I guess it is…
- Adhere to permitted speed limits
Lol… it is not possible to reach the speed limit!!!
- Avoid parking on the road. Use pay-and-park islands
Lol again!
- Never use the clutch as a footrest while driving
What does that mean and why is it a part of traffic rules??
- When driving always carry your driving license and important documents such as your vehicle registration certificate, insurance certificate, road tax & P.U.C certificate
Don’t even get me started on P.U.C. certificate.
- Don't sit children on fuel tanks or stand them in front of the rider
Come on… This used to be so much fun!!!
- Do not ride or wheel your vehicle on to the footpath
Tii baby… Tii

Imperfections - Things to work on

1) Aggressiveness
2) Not being pro-active
3) Giving a feeling to people that I don't care when I really do
4) Giving a feeling to people that I care when in reality, I don't give a fuck
5) Thinking too much
6) Not thinking enough about how someone will feel because of my words/actions
7) Try to plan out everything in advance and getting sad when it doesn't work out
8) Not planning and hence creating confusion/maybes
9) Being vocal about the way I feel
10) Shutting up when I know that what I am asking is just not fair
11) Changing myself even when I know that what I am doing/thinking is wrong
12) Change is good. Shit happens. So getting used to it.
13) Caring too much
14) Being indifferent
15) Talking too much when it is not required
16) Not talking when I should be
17) Thinking about future and letting go of today
18) Being impulsive, not thinking about the consequences.

This list is non-exhaustive. I am imperfect like most others.

The great saga of prtense

Am I really being extreme or is this the way I think? I really feel small. Whenever I see something nice being dont to me, the voice inside me says... this might just be yet another one of it. Its gonna come and bite you later. Have I really screwed up so bad that there won't be any genuineness towards me?? Why do I feel that everything is a calculated. The whole world is conspiring against me and I have to fight, alone...

Is it the truth or just a figment of my imagination? I need a change. Its the same things that I want and the same things that I don't seem to be getting. Why is it so difficult for me to accept that it is not going to happen. May be because I tried too hard, may be my approach was wrong, maybe its just too much to ask for or may be its something irreversible. I don't see myself getting over it. Its the time, the time you know. But how much of it?

Maybe its just the speculation, shooting in the dark. But its gonna happen and kill me again. I don't know why my stupid fucking brain is not getting over it. Its like I am obsessed with it or something. I know, I can feel it too. The longer it takes, madder I get and more it affects me. Sometimes I feel, lets just end it all. May be it will be difficult in the beginning, but at least some day in future I will be at peace.

I know its really stupid to do anything in haste. Just giving myself time. Even if it happens, the thought of indebtedness will just haunt me. I dread the future...

PUC

Today, we were going on a bike and my friend needed a PUC “certificate” for his bike. We stopped by one of those stranded omnis where they issue such certificates. These are more of a stationary booth than a vehicle. I wonder if they ever move. Anyways, that’s not the point.

Now, the issuing person was at a nearby paan-bidi stall. He came to the vehicle as he saw us approaching. We asked him for the certificate and how much it costs. He said 30 bucks. Fine… He took a small 3”X2” piece of paper, wrote some random numbers of indicating CO and harmful gases contents, put a stamp with a date and handed it over to us. Now that’s some way of making money!

My interrogation with Q

iFlow backend is going to be changed to Q, and the guys in New York have already started their part of work. Couple of weeks back, even I attended Q training just to find out that it is a manifestation of brain of a guy called Arthur Whitney. It is a highly complex language which is supposed to do all kinds of calculations superfast.

Jeff Borror did give us a lot of examples, told us lot of funny stories/incidents (some of them I believe are fictitious). My favorite one is the sudoku one of course .

So, there is this conference wherein people are coming up with shortest solution for a sudoku puzzle. Of course, the Perl guys were the first ones in line as they are famous in writing abstruse code and having sadistic pleasure looking at mortals trying to make sense out of it (after seeing the Q code, I have nothing against Perl guys doing this). Perl guys got their solution in 121 characters and were on the top of the world when Q guys came into the picture. The Q gods got their code down to just 99 characters and were ecstatic.

After all this, there came Arthur boy who managed to squeeze in the solution with just 57 characters, and a variety solutions saying something like "ok, this one takes 17 characters more, but is twice as fast"

I feel this is something very impressive. As I will be doing more hands on, I will be get to know whether my brain is meant to do this or not. They say this langauge is not really for object oriented brains which is exactly what I am.

There will be more on KDB+ and Q as I get my hands dirty with it...

Rewind

Ok... Its been almost 3 months since I last visited my blog. I suppose I just got bored of it. I said so in my very first post, remember??? Last night, I don't know why, but I felt that I should start blogging again. While going through the blog today, I thought, I wasn't doing such a bad job afterall. Why the hell did I stop?

Anyways, rewinding back, I have enrolled for CFA level1, and as everything else, I want to crack it. I know I am working hard, but juggling between work and studies have proved tough lately. On top of that I have got this new keeda in my head about pampering myself and relaxing. It is proving to be of great help too. But I don't know how long is that gonna last too.

In the meanwhile, many things happened in my personal life and work front. I will keep this one pretty short, but will surely update the small tales that I would like to document. Not such a bad coder afterall huh...