The great saga of prtense

Am I really being extreme or is this the way I think? I really feel small. Whenever I see something nice being dont to me, the voice inside me says... this might just be yet another one of it. Its gonna come and bite you later. Have I really screwed up so bad that there won't be any genuineness towards me?? Why do I feel that everything is a calculated. The whole world is conspiring against me and I have to fight, alone...

Is it the truth or just a figment of my imagination? I need a change. Its the same things that I want and the same things that I don't seem to be getting. Why is it so difficult for me to accept that it is not going to happen. May be because I tried too hard, may be my approach was wrong, maybe its just too much to ask for or may be its something irreversible. I don't see myself getting over it. Its the time, the time you know. But how much of it?

Maybe its just the speculation, shooting in the dark. But its gonna happen and kill me again. I don't know why my stupid fucking brain is not getting over it. Its like I am obsessed with it or something. I know, I can feel it too. The longer it takes, madder I get and more it affects me. Sometimes I feel, lets just end it all. May be it will be difficult in the beginning, but at least some day in future I will be at peace.

I know its really stupid to do anything in haste. Just giving myself time. Even if it happens, the thought of indebtedness will just haunt me. I dread the future...