The long walk

I had a good long walk today... Well, not actually too long, was just from office to home, little more than 2 kms. But I was too preoccupied with so many thoughts that I didn't realize I was halfway down on my way and I wouldn't find a rickshaw guy who will be willing to take me home. Walking with heels on for such a long distance... someone is really going to be unhappy.

Anyways, was just thinking.... How for someone, some other people or other things can be more important than themselves. For a self centered person like me, its really difficult to understand. How can you rate your priorities depending on someone else's pleasure, be happy when you help someone... Its just beats me. And you know what is worst, somewhere inside you, you kind of know that you have such a someone else, but for that person, someone else is not you.

I guess this is karma. I have my parents, for whom I am the center of their life. Their life revolves around me and mine around them. I am wasting a lot of time and energy in trying to sever this bond at least a little so that I can get that freedom that I am looking for. But I am not sure if it is really worth the effort. Because at the end of the day, I know that nobody is going to give me my share of attention apart from them. Its a fact that is a little hard to digest, but its a fact.

Feeling a little tired, a little broken down. I guess I shouldn't have been so lost, at least while walking. My legs are telling me that. The knees are broken, heels are gone and calves are asking too be cut off.

Down And Out... The other way...

There are times when you loath about the fact that you don't have any independence of your own. Living with parents is the hardest thing that I think I am doing right now. I am not a teenager who have their own set of problems as far as adults are concerned. This is something beyond some gibberish contempt of adolescence. I am too tired of acting as if I belong here, as if things are going great and I am the luckiest soul on this planet.

I was expecting a little more understanding. I wish I could just explain what it feels like, the things that I always wanted to share, the things that I hoped they would understand. I was so wrong. Sometimes I feel they are completely oblivious to the fact that I am a grown up person and have my own thinking and my set of values. This indifference and negligence tends to do more damage than outright dislike. When I am at home, I feel completely empty, as if no one is there for me. And nothing sucks more than the feeling that you are alone, no matter how many people are around you.

Somebody might say I am such a sick person, never happy about anything happening around me. But I don't care. I am feeling a little down. Can't be a happy happy self. May be because it was a hard weekend. Once the week starts, I will bury myself in the work and will forget all about this crap.

Down And Out!

Today was a completely mind fucking day in office. There were thousand things to be looked at, things to be fixed, pending issues to be addressed. Not that I didn't like what I was doing. It was just too much of an energy sapping exercise.

It was one of those days when you are glued to the chair, staring from one monitor to the other without even blinking your eyes in the hope of finding answer to your questions, trying out things and failing. You tweak something and feel that, ok, this is it. But more often than not, it is just not it. At the end of the day, you feel the heat of the day's work. Nothing extraordinary done in the day physically. The net displacement was zero at the end of it, literally. But the mental exhaustion is not even funny.

All said and done, one thing for sure. I am going to get into deep slumber mode today the moment I am horizontal on the bed. And this is going to be a good one, hopefully without any confusing, disheartening dreams.

Damn...

I feel weird... really weird.
Kripsa had come down from US after one and a half long year. I met her a couple of times, spent a night with her. The month has gone by, and its time for her to leave. Can't believe the month has got over so fast. I am really going to feel sad that this will be last time I see her before she goes back. Don't know when I will be seeing her next. Feeling kind of empty. Hardly spent any time with her. Usually, when I am all busy with my work n stuff, I don't care. But now, when I am thinking about it, it feels sad.

I guess this is that passing by phase. When you feel that there is something amiss, there are several ways to deal with it. You can discuss it with people around you, keep thinking about it till it fucks with your brain or just ignore it thinking that nothing ever was wrong. I think latter is the best.

P.S. Is this the after effect of "Oh... this day had to be special. It wasn't!"

2008

Still basking in the glory of the new year. This is the time to plan for the year and see what is achievable out of the resolutions that were made for the new year.

Things I am looking forward in 2008:
- Olympics. Its gonna be a biggie.
- My regular share of grand slams and formula ones.
- Taking the car to the office. Difficult... Lets see how it goes.
- Some good work in office. Coming out of iFlow for a change.
- Visiting 3 new places I have never seen before.
- Reading more books, watching more stuff.
- Calming down in pressure situations and avoiding the so usual spats at home.
- A(or more) real good vacation with the person I love.

Will be interesting to see how the whole thing shapes up. Or otherwise very soon it will be time to pick up the pieces of the resolution and move on.

Get a life people

Really upsetting to read about the "new year" groping incident in the news paper. How sad it is that in this so called free country, a couple cannot go out on their own. It wasn't just girls hanging out alone, they were with their partners. And even if they were with their families, if there is a mob of 40 drunkards coming towards you, you really can't do anything you know.

The other day we were having a discussion about this in office. One guy was saying, the girls are so provocatively dressed!! That makes me think, we still have a bloody Islamic mentality. If we are still thinking that girls should be clad in saris and burkhas all the time, what is the point in calling yourself a person from developing country. Its high time men in this country should realize that a woman is something more than a thing from which you can derive sexual pleasure at free will. They have a mind and brain of their own and they should be given certain respect.

The most surprising part was the reaction of the Police Commissioner. According to him, this thing was blown out of proportion. Would it still have been blown out of proportion if it was his sister or wife in the place of an NRI couple? Even if the culprits do get sentenced, the will be out in a year or two to live a new life. But what about the girl who had to go through the whole trauma. Her reputation is marred, dignity is gone down the drain and her life is basically screwed.

All said and done, if this is what happens on mumbai roads at nights, I or any other girl in her sane mind, won't like to be outside just to have that extra bit of fun. The city is slowly turning into a dwelling place of morons. Sad... Really sad.